The trooper saw me speeding
And weaving just a touch
Driving a little erratic
But really not too much
I saw the flashing lights behind
I heard the siren's wail
At first I didn't pay much mind
But my attention was soon centered
My foot came down hard on the brake
The squad car couldn't stop
We soon ended up, he on the bottom, me on top
we two only cuts and bruises had
Me in handcuffs, he shaking his head
As we waited for transportation
Finally he raised his eyes to me
And this is the question he asked
Are you drunk? What possessed you to drive so?
I looked right back, and in all honesty replied
I've not had a single drink sir, A little smile I tried
The simple explanation is, I broke my shoelace
It was an extra long lace I had on
Somehow it became wrapped in the throttle linkage
Every time I raised my foot, my car became a rocket
The swerving you saw was my feeble attempts
To try to free my foot by hand
I couldn't see when my head was down
But I corrected As soon as could be
At long last the shoelace finally broke
I only braked so hard when my foot came down free
That was why you ran into me
See, that's the culprit, that darn shoelace
It's cold outside and I have a plastic straw
They should outlaw plastic until after the thaw
I have a three quart cooler which I fill with water and ice
A straw down the neck of this cooler makes drinking quite nice
Have you ever noticed in time of need or great stress
The very thing you need to fix it has left you in a mess
Most of the time it's broken, or maybe it's just lost
You dearly need a replacement, no matter what the cost
I was eating jalapeno chips, a taste I truly love
But the heat exuded by those chips, hotter than the sun above
I reach back for my cooler, my mouth needs help a bit
A little bump on the tip of that straw completely shattered it
My mouth aflame, it's hard to breathe, what a pickle
I tilt the jug, put spout to my lips, immediately felt a trickle
Ice water runs down my neck, but my mouth is still on fire
How quickly I found myself in the straits called dire
My truck careening down the road, others dodging madly
Making attempts to soak up the cold, succeeding very badly
Simultaneously I do my deep-breathing first aid try
It could eventually cool of my poor oral cavity by and by
Eventually I regain my composure, even smile at passersby
So when you hear the merits of plastic, be wary of a lie
My solution to the problem to which I've been alluding
Was very simple, you see, I've a length of surgical tubing