It's cold outside and I have a plastic straw
They should outlaw plastic until after the thaw
I have a three quart cooler which I fill with water and ice
A straw down the neck of this cooler makes drinking quite nice

Have you ever noticed in time of need or great stress
The very thing you need to fix it has left you in a mess
Most of the time it's broken, or maybe it's just lost
You dearly need a replacement, no matter what the cost

I was eating jalapeno chips, a taste I truly love
But the heat exuded by those chips, hotter than the sun above
I reach back for my cooler, my mouth needs help a bit
A little bump on the tip of that straw completely shattered it

My mouth aflame, it's hard to breathe, what a pickle
I tilt the jug, put spout to my lips, immediately felt a trickle
Ice water runs down my neck, but my mouth is still on fire
How quickly I found myself in the straits called dire

My truck careening down the road, others dodging madly
Making attempts to soak up the cold, succeeding very badly
Simultaneously I do my deep-breathing first aid try
It could eventually cool of my poor oral cavity by and by

Eventually I regain my composure, even smile at passersby
So when you hear the merits of plastic, be wary of a lie
My solution to the problem to which I've been alluding
Was very simple, you see, I've a length of surgical tubing