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Submitted by Marcia Mickelson on 28 February 2007 - 12:22pm. | | |

Kelly is in her last year of college and reluctantly moves into the home of her mother’s new husband, Malcolm. For the past year, Mitch Kimball has been living with Malcolm while Mitch’s parents are on a mission. The new living condition gets off to a rocky start as Mitch is annoyed by Kelly’s sloppy habits. Kelly has better things to do than pick up after herself; she is convinced that accused murderer Brett Jensen is innocent. Meanwhile, Mitch, a return missionary who takes pride in being a good Mormon, can’t help but judge Kelly for some of her choices. As Mitch begins to admire Kelly for qualities he had not readily noticed in her, Kelly begins to realize the importance of integrity in a mate. Kelly continues to delve into the Brett Jensen case, which could lead to dangerous results.



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Thanks. Thank you both for

Thanks.

Thank you both for your comments.I really do appreciate them. Paul, I appreciate your honesty; and I have to admit, I didn't think it was so predictable, but now that you point out a few things, I realize how predictable it may be. Thanks for the remarks.

Marcia
www.marciamickelson.com

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Marcia, I think you have the

Marcia,

I think you have the beginning of a great novel here. However, it sounds a lot like any number of romance novels I've read (and yes, even as a man, I've read a few).

I haven't read any more than this chapter, so I don't know for sure what comes next, but it seems at this point that it may be kind of predictable. I'm going to assume that you will get Kelly and Mitch together and he will "save" her from marrying a non-member. I hope I'm wrong, though.

Aside from that, while I like your writing style, I think the chapter drags in places. I think you go into way too much detail about the move, and other things that are really of no consequence. I had to skim over these paragraphs. You also do a lot of telling where I think you might be able to do some showing, assuming it's important to the plot or character development. Also, you repeat yourself by describing in two places why Mitch is living with Malcolm.

Aside from these comments, which I hope will help you in your revisions, I think it has a lot of potential for this novel in the LDS market.

I hope you don't think I'm being too critical, but I feel if an author doesn't know what may be wrong with his/her work, he/she won't know how to fix it and won't be able to improve his/her craft.

My best to you,
Paul

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This is actually Dave's

This is actually Dave's wife, not Dave. I'm an avid LDS reader and love a good book! And yours is! I love the way you have completely introduced to me to the main character through your reminiscing. Tasteful and poetic, I thought! Keep it up! Anxious for the next chapter.

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