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"...Choose only entertainment and media that uplift you. Good entertainment will help you to have good thoughts and make righteous choices...Do not participate in entertainment that in any way presents immorality or violent behavior as acceptable."
For The Strength of Youth

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Submitted by natalie jamison on 21 February 2007 - 3:30pm. | | |

Rendon Valor, a young man training to be a soldier, finds himself caught up in a plot that started ten years ago when a young girl was falsely accused of murder and sentenced to exile. For years he was under the impression that his father (a respected General and member of the council, now deceased) was a traitor to the state. Rendon must delve into the secrets of the past, along side a mysterious young woman, to prove his father's, and the girl's, innocence.



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I found this story gripping.

I found this story gripping. I'm already intrigued by this 12 year old girl. Why is she on trial? Why an adult trial for her? What is Rendon going to do to "save" her. I'm assuming he will, somehow.

One comment I have, though, is that I feel you might have a bit too much in the way of scene setting descriptions. I found that part a bit tedious. I'm not so sure a full description of the chairs, the great hall, what everyone is wearing, is all that important. What I, and I suspect a lot of readers, want is to get into the story. I want to know what Rendon is thinking, feeling. I want to know what happens next.

I'm anxious for your next chapter.

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I'm liking it! Where's the

I'm liking it! Where's the next chapter? I have a great sense of foreboding, which is your intent, I'm sure.
Gaynell Parker

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Natalie - I hope I did not

Natalie - I hope I did not offend you. That is not my intention. Keep writing - we love everything so far on www.ctrstories.com

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No apology necessary :) I

No apology necessary :) I am excited that you like my stuff! Thanks!

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Please take this as

Please take this as constructive criticism. Spell check or at least have someone read the story before submitting. I copied and pasted the above in the comment section here and it even caught all of the words that are mispelled. (Yes, I misspelled, the word "misspelled and it caught it for me.)"
Rendon Valor, a young man training to be a soldier, finds himself caught up in a plot that started ten years ago when a young girl was falsey (FALSELY) accussed (ACCUSED) of murder and sentenced to exile. For years he was under the impretion (IMPRESSION) that his father (a General and member of the council at the girl's trial but now deceased) was a traitor to the state. Rendon must delve into the secrets of the past, along side a mysterious young woman, to proove (PROVE) his and the girl's innocence.

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Thanks for catching that! I

Thanks for catching that! I am not usually so ignorant, but it happens.

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Great descriptions. In a

Great descriptions. In a short time the characters are already visible in my mind and you have my curiosity peaked as well.

I did find something that I think is not what you intended, near the end of the chapter is the phrase "...took in every detail he could about his girl". I think it is supposed to be "took in every detail he could about THIS girl". Unless of course this is some sort of foreshadowing!

Thanks!

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